Does this situation sound familiar?
Your child is playing in another room, you quietly step away so you can respond to a few emails, make lunch, fold a load of laundry or just take a few minutes to yourself. Ten seconds later, your child is calling for you, complaining they are bored and begging for screentime!
If you’re nodding your head right now, you’re not alone. Children are easily drawn to screens and often {loudly} let us know they want to be on their device or watch a show. Parents are often struggling with the question of “how much screentime is too much for my child?” And many of us are trying to figure out how to reduce our child’s screentime.
The good news? Screen time doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing battle. Reducing screen time is possible with small, consistent changes that can make a big impact-for both you and your child!
At the end of the day, many parents want the same thing: to raise happy, capable and confident children. There is so much pressure for the modern day parent. One of the pressures that parents are faced with is the feeling that it is our job to keep our children entertained and happy every moment of the day.
Why Screens Are So Tempting
The reality is that we are often tired and overwhelmed. We are pulled in a million different directions everyday- juggling work, laundry, meals, relationships, our own health, community involvement, and countless responsibilities that come with our everyday lives. And on top of that, we are trying to raise kind, resilient and capable children. Are they eating enough healthy foods? Are they meeting developmental milestones? Do they have friends? Are they getting enough movement and free play? Then there’s the question we all wrestle with: Are they getting too much screentime?
First of all, pat yourself on the back: you’re doing it! You are clearly a concerned and loving parent if you are looking into how to best support your child’s development. That’s the first step! Whether your child has unlimited access to screens or a daily schedule you want to reduce, I’ve got you covered.
Remember, this isn’t an all or nothing situation. We live in a society that puts everything on a screen. For many families, completely disconnecting from screens isn’t possible. Our goal is to be thoughtful about our child’s screentime and to understand how screens impact our child’s development.
What Children Miss When Screens Replace Play
How are screens impacting our children’s development? Here’s the part that often surprises parents. The problem occurs when screens replace learning opportunities for children. Screens themselves aren’t the enemy. The concern begins when screens replace everyday experiences that help children learn, connect and grow. Children learn best through play, interactions and experiences. When we hand children a screen each time they declare they are bored, they are missing out on opportunities to develop important skills.
When screens replace play and interaction, children have fewer opportunities to build skills such as:
*fine motor: think grasping a pencil, buttoning clothing
*gross motor: large and core muscles- the ability to safely climb playground equipment
*attention: ability to sit still and listen while an adult explains something or reads a book
*problem solving: working through difficult tasks
*emotional regulation: building a tolerance for discomfort and the realization that discomforts end
*speech and language: a child’s vocabulary, conversation skills, ability to ask and answer simple questions
*creativity: building a strong imagination and thinking outside the box
The Good News: You Don't Have to Eliminate Screens
Children learn routines quickly. By this time, your child may expect a screen at certain times. Maybe your child knows that the grocery store, a restaurant, the waiting room of a doctor’s office, or a car ride means screentime. Once a child expects a good thing, adults can expect that children will let us know when we fail to provide that. For younger kids, that usually means an emotional breakdown (read: child throws a fit). So…how do we as parents preserve our mental health AND begin to decrease our child’s screentime? The answer is surprisingly simple: start small.
Let’s agree to get rid of the idea that our kids won’t have access to screens at all. We are simply decreasing the amount of time they spend on them.
Start Small
If you normally give your child a device when you strap them into a grocery cart, your goal isn’t going to be to get through a 45-minute grocery shopping trip screen-free. Your goal is to start the errand without a device. Set your first goal, maybe that is to get through 5 minutes without a device. Or maybe to make it through the produce section without a device in your child’s hands. You can do that! And so can your child, with a little practice and consistency.
Step One: Set the Expectation
You’re going to set the scene ahead of time. Let them know the plan. You may say, “The device is going to stay in the bag until we get to the bread aisle,” or “We are going to set a 5 minute timer. When the timer goes off, we can get the device out of our bag.” Timers are my favorite, especially for younger children. Children tend to respond better to a timer because it’s the timer- and not the adult- that is signaling it’s time for a transition. This usually causes less frustration from the child. You can even give them a little control and ask them, “Should we set the timer for 5 minutes or 6 minutes?”
Step Two: Stay Consistent
Do exactly what you said. This is key. You must show your child that they can trust what you say. If you promise the device after the timer goes off, the device comes out after the timer goes off, not before and not a minute after. This is part of building a child’s resilience and emotional regulation. If your child is upset because they can’t have their device immediately, you can acknowledge their frustration, AND hold your boundary. Will this always be easy? No. Will your child react in the same way each time? Probably not. They are humans. Some days they will be more tired, hungry, or frustrated. That’s OK. That doesn’t mean this isn’t working. It just means they are humans having human emotions.
Is this worth it? Yes.
Remind yourself: every time you do this, you are teaching your child something much bigger than how to get through a grocery store without a device. You are teaching your child patience, flexibility, trust, and confidence that they can handle difficult and uncomfortable moments. These are important life skills that have reach far beyond that of screen time.
You don’t have to ignore your child’s feelings while holding the boundary. You can offer them comfort and acknowledge their disappointment. Stay calm and stick with the plan. This could look like, “I know you are sad that you can’t have the device right now. I get sad when I can’t have things I want, too. When the timer goes off, we will get your device out.” It’s ok to continue shopping. Your child may be sad. They may be mad. As long as they are safe, remind yourself that it will be OK. The moment the timer goes off, you say, “Oh, our timer is going off! It’s time to get the device out!” Your child has now learned: they can trust what you say, they can survive 5 minutes of this activity without a device in their hands, and they can endure moments of emotional discomfort.
Lay on the Praise
“You did it! I know that wasn’t easy. I’m so proud of you for waiting until the timer went off.” You are praising their resilience and isn’t that one of life’s most important skills? We will all face difficulities in life. Being resilient allows us to push through those tough moments.
If your child was especially upset, continue this practice with the 5 minute timer set several times before extending the time. Be sure to set the scene prior to the screen-free time everytime. For your comfort, you may start this practice at home; that way, you’re not concerned about being in public with your child having a hard time; that’ll just stress you out even more.
If your child handled the 5-minutes-screen-free like a champ-and they likely will eventually-you can bump up the timer next time! You decide the time-maybe it’s 7 minutes this time, maybe it’s 10. Eventually, my friends, you and your child can make it through outings for longer periods of time without a device. It may feel like it takes a long time to reach your goal. It may take 3 months-maybe 6 months to get to your goal, but don’t get discouraged. STAY CONSISTENT and DO WHAT YOU SAY. If you follow those two guidelines, you will find success.
Progress Over Perfection
Remember, the goal isn’t to go from 5 hours a day of screentime to zero hours. The goal is to find a healthy balance so your child has plenty of opportunities to grow, play, connect and learn away from screens. With your loving support and small, consistent changes, your child can become less reliant on screens over time. They will discover they can cope during moments of discomfort, live through moments of boredom, enjoy diving into imaginative play, appreciate connecting with you and others and even learn the valuable skill of waiting. Sometimes those moments will be tough for you and for your child, but that’s where the growth happens. And when you and your child put in the work, you will start to see something wonderful-you’ll watch as their confidence, resilience, creativity, and independence grow. And that? That’s priceless.
About Empowering Kids Pediatric Therapy
At Empowering Kids, we partner with families to support children’s communication, development, and independence through pediatric speech-language and occupational therapy. Through our blog, we share practical, evidence-based ideas to help families support their children’s growth at home.
